JUST a mom

Something about Mother's Day has had me going all week, which is a huge shocker being I'm NEVER emotional. (Like, never been, never will be.)   My first Mother's Day really made me think.

My biggest fear throughout my pregnancy with June was that she would be born and I would lose my identity. I was concerned that I would become "just a mom." I did not want to be bound to my house.  I also did not want to feel any resentment toward my child or my husband if I did, in fact, "lose myself."  I was determined to make sure the things that make me who I am would remain important to me.

After my little bug was born, it all fell into place.  My worries were wasted time, as all worrying is. People have told me that being a mom is the most difficult job and yes, I understand in a physical sense it is be grueling. But honestly, sleepless nights included, in some sort of strange let me give you everything I have, momish way, it is also the easiest job. (I am sure I used all the commas, in all,the wrong places in that, wacky sentence,,,,.)

I have never desired to give more of myself to any being than I would so eagerly give to her. I want to give her the best of everything, as I see it. The best food. The best care. The best of it all.

I want to hold her just enough for her to know how loved she is. I want to put her down enough to teach her how strong she is becoming. I want to snuggle her and I want for her to explore. I want to take her on long walks and hikes and show her all of the beautiful things this life has to offer her.

On the flip side of this I have become someone I love more since my daughter was born.  I want to be someone that she will eventually think is strong and has a beautiful heart (& face, if I am being honest).  I hope that someday she will look up to me.  Her even wanting to speak to me in her teenage years would be an added bonus!  

Right now it is just poopy diapers and teething and one day it'll be first loves and broken hearts. One day it'll be dropping her off at college and the next it'll be giving her away.  We will get through it all.

And although I continue to take yoga and go on runs and do all the things that make me, me, the fact is, things have changed.  I constantly have my little buggy on my mind in the best possible way.

As I am only 5 and a half months into life as a mom, I'm am thoroughly enjoying each moment and adore being "just a mom".

To all of you moms out there doing the easiest/ hardest job there is,
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Four month regression & Divorce Papers

4 month regression. It's a real thing.  It honestly could lead to divorce papers. Okay, maybe I am being slightly dramatic.  "Not my baby", I thought. "She is perfect." Okay, I admit, I still think she is perfect but not at midnight, one am, two am & so on.

As I lay down at 11 pm last night my little bug begins to wail. My eyes bulge open, what. the. actual. f**k. My husband looks at me and says don't worry babe, I'll get her tonight. To which I stupidly respond, it's okay... You have work tomorrow.

Need I say nothing more, clearly.  Left ear= baby shrills from the monitor with a light ocean wave background.  Right ear= the snores of my oh so sleepy husband. Well that escalated quickly.

I give it the standard 20 minutes, drag myself out of bed to go give my babe her lost binky. (Just after I look at my peacefully sleeping spouse and mumble a couple profanities, of course.)

These actions repeat a few times when I think, I may as well sleep on the couch as its closer to my babe's room.

At 7 am, when my well rested, fresh looking husband comes downstairs, I actually thought to myself, try not to punch him in the face. The good news is, I didn't. The other good news is he told me to go upstairs and go sleep for another hour or so. Thoughtful man.

After getting what felt like a day of sleep (actually just an hour), I come downstairs to my husband feeding our little girl.

That short period of sleep helped me to become human again. There is no need to say to him that women are the stronger gender (bc let's be honest, we all know that! Amiright?)

In these sleepless moments it is easy to forget we are a team. We both have the same goal. We each being our own strengths to the table.

Yes, there are some things that come naturally to me as a mom, but there are other struggles that I'm sure my husband goes through, that I wouldn't be able to understand. (Like being the weaker sex...) ;) Seriously though, to more sleepless nights and cranky moments. I'm sure at some point, we will miss the madness.




PS- I wrote this 5 days ago (cause I am so on top of my sh*t) & since letting my love "cry it out" she has been sleeping 7:30pm- 7:30 am! (I probably just jinxed tonight..... :))

Fill yo cup!

For the past two weeks saying I was cranky would be an understatement. I was getting flustered easily at things that are not worthy of my frustration.  I was nagging my husband like it was my job, the poor man. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I felt off.

As a woman I feel like it comes naturally to put everything else before yourself... Sorry men, but you & I both know you don't do that sh*t. (Except my husband, he totally does. ;))

I recently saw a saying, "you can't pour from an empty cup." This saying really struck a chord with me.  For the past two weeks I had barely done yoga, or run, or any of the other things I do for myself. Life kept getting in the way of the things that I need to do to keep myself in balance.

In the past few days I have made it a point to run and get back to yoga and it is amazing how quickly my mood flipped. Thank God, for the sake of those around me. I'm convinced even my dog was over me! Just getting to the gym made me feel better!

I am learning, as a new mom, that doing well for myself will in turn do well for my loves. Being happy with myself will make me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend!

So to all my selfless homegirls... Don't forget to fill up your cup! If you need to get a cup of coffee, read a book, or get a mani, pedi, with a 10 minute chair massage make sure you do it! Whatever makes you you, don't forget it about it!

Goodbye OCD! (for now....)

As I sit here feeding my 3 month old little princess, I look around at house that looks like a hurricane came through.  I'm realizing something that I have learned in the past 3 months. Despite my OCD's... Life must go on.


I like things to have a place & unless they're being used, I prefer for these things to be in their place. My first lesson of motherhood is sometimes you just have to, as Elsa would say, let it go. I have to say, in the best possible way, that shit is hard! It truly defies an instinct!

Sometimes I bring a load of laundry from my room (upstairs) to be done (in the basement). This may as well be 3 and a half miles away! I have a basket of laundry sitting next to me as I type.

There is also the nightmare that is my guest bedroom. It's where I store things that I never seem to get around to. I have about 37 ongoing "projects" in there. Also, spiderwebs. It is where things go to die... You get it.

The day is a success if I get the dish washer unloaded and re loaded! What the hell did women do before these wonderful life changing machines?!

I often feel an inner struggle of wanting to be laying next to my actively growing bug while watching her every move vs living in a home that doesn't look like it's been through a natural disaster.

Although only 3 months of her life have passed, THREE MONTHS of her life have passed! That. went. fast! As cliche as it is, and as often as I have heard it, the dishes will still be there. The laundry basket is not going anywhere. And my 3,000 ongoing projects can wait.

The quickly passing moments with my active little babe will not always be there. On a day with no napping, it is hard to imagine, but I'm sure a day will come where I wish I could go back in time and have that napless day with my fussy baby back. So for now dirty dishes and amazing moments it is!

Mommy Hooves

I think it is safe to say, things change a little (or a lot) with your body after having a baby. I assumed this would be the case longggg before ever getting pregnant, but it comes all the way down to my feet! :(  MY FEET! I don't know if it's the extra weight I carried or the inability to reach my feet  throughout pregnancy, but one day I suddenly noticed my feet were NASTAAAY. (Not just nasty.)

I casually mention my dried up prune feet to my sister one day, who is also a new mom. "I have been hydrating, putting lotion on my feet and then socks... But my feet... are starting... to look. like. Mom's." (Sorry mom.) She acts pretty nonchalant and asks to see... I unleash the beasts and she agrees. That is when she tells me, she does not, in fact, have the same problem. I ask her to whip out her prim and proper perfect pedi, since she is a bougie b! Turns out someone was feeling a little over confident with her dry little hooves.  As she pauses for reaction, I burst into laughter.

Being I enjoy natural products, making things, and filling my extra seconds with unnecessary bull... I looked up a few different sugar scrubs on pintererest  (holy grail) and pulled together ingredients that I already had!

MOMMY FEET- SUGAAAH SCRUB
3/4 cup Sugar
1/4 cup Coconut oil
1 tbsp Honey
1 tsp Vanilla extract
15 drops Lavender oil

Directions
Warm coconut oil & honey. Pour in sugar, stir. Pour in vanilla & lavender, stir. Store in an air tight container!

If you're like my sister you'll need me to tell you how to actually apply and use the scrub... But I'm sure you all can figure it out! ;) Enjoy!

New Mama Drama

Since having a baby life has certainly changed. Usually when people tell me my hair looks nice it is because we are working with a little extra grease. "Thank you. Must be that new hair mask." When really I happen to be going on day 3 since its been shampooed. Or when I receive a text, if I answer, it's about 3 days later. Just keeping it suspenseful, obviously. So mysterious.  Usually when I tell a story I forget my point 30 seconds in resulting in a 45 minute tale of nothing as I try to find my way back.  Ask my husband, he is the lucky one who is on the receiving end of my forgetful tangents. On days that I try to wear jeans, the legging gods typically call me home. I'm becoming more and more comfortable folding laundry with a 12 pound babe on my chest (when I remember to actually start the dryer after filling it, that is), or cooking dinner while giving Ringling Brothers Circus a run for their money.

I've  always been a cryer, and by cryer I mean I sob while watching a glade candle commercial type of cryer. Since my little bug was born things have gotten extreme. Embarrassingly extreme. Holy hormones. This could be a topic in itself, so let's just leave it at that.

I have moments of loving my jiggly belly because its growth brought me the most amazing gift ever and I also have moments of sobbing (obviously) to my husband & sister because my hips are too wide to put my old jeans on. I truly truly think that motherhood also comes with a little something called split personality disorder! My prescription being some good ol' java. When I miss a dose, steer clear.

Being a mom has honestly made me a little weird.  I pray during the day that my sweet babe will sleep soundly and then I just watch her sleep on the monitor or creep into her room to watch her chest rise and fall. (Super creep.) When I'm away from her I think about the strangest things. (I.E. I wonder if amy "prescription" is making her poop hurt.... (I have actually had that thought.)) I also say some really odd shit.  "What did her poop look like?"  "Watch her hold her head up! She is so strong!"  "They should make a bottle nipple molded after the mom's nipple. I wonder if that's a thing?"  "Tummy time is so fun!"  (All actual statements!)

With all of the craziness that comes with being a new mama it is still something that I can't get over. The past 11 weeks have flown by.  I don't mind waking up in the middle of the night to fill my babe's tummy.  I don't mind jumping through hoops to make sure my little nugget is comfortable.  I don't mind holding my pee for actual hours when the situation deems necessary. I honestly don't even mind being a little bit tired 86.5% of the day (the other 13.5% are the times that I'm trying to go to sleep or stay asleep & am magically wide awake).  All of these little (but big) moments are so quickly passing and my time with my bug is truly the best time of all. (Such a mom thing to say... But seriously!) 

(An obvious baby photo post...)

.kindness.

This past Thursday I decided to take a late night trip to Walmart for some unnecessary baking gadgets. Fifty dollars later my husband and I walk out of Walmart and begin to head home. At the red light exiting the parking lot, a homeless man approaches our car. Naturally, I locked my door. Or at least that is what came naturally to me.  After locking my door, I hear the Caucasian, five foot five inch (ish) man with a bruised eye and a patch say, "I'm not going to hurt you..." I honestly felt horrible. Although, I do need to do what I need to do to feel safe and secure, I hated that I made this man feel as if I was scared to talk to him. A split second passes, I rolled down my window and responded to his request for a dollar by saying, "I'm sorry, I don't have cash." He said, "thank you and God bless you."

The light then turned green and we drove away. Still, I felt really badly. I had a pit in my stomach and felt a sense of responsibility to make sure this man and his three friends ate on that hot Thursday night. Nearing home, I convinced Larry to turn the car around and we drive back to the homeless hot spot. We pulled up and I asked the men if they would accept food if we went to McDonalds and got them some burgers. Jacob, the self proclaimed leader of the homeless said, "we aren't in the position to turn anything down, ma'am." I told them to stay there and we would be back.

I walk in McDonalds, a total fish out of water as I haven't ordered anything from there in years. I ordered 4 burgers, 2 large fries, 20 nuggets, and the employee threw in some apple pies for free knowing where they were going. I also had a tray of 4 extra large waters.

 I walk out of the "restaurant" with a big bag of food in one arm, and a large tray in the other. On our drive back to the Walmart parking lot I was upset about forgetting napkins, and Lar assured me they wouldn't mind. I also informed Larry that I wanted to get out of the car because I didn't want them to feel that I was scared of them. We get back to Jacob, Felix, "Old man river," and "Snow." I get out of the car and give them the food and tell them to enjoy their night.

Larry and I get home, go on about our night, and go to bed. The next day I wake up and get ready for my day. My friend Stephen came to pick me up and as we went to leave I realized I had no idea where my wallet was. We looked everywhere imaginable and unimaginable for about an hour. We even fished the trash out of the dumpster and checked the garbage I threw out earlier in the day.

.... NOTHING. After a while of searching, the hunt was looking bleak. Finally I say to Stephen, "the McDonald's bag. I think I set it down in the effing McDonald's bag! I am such an idiot! " I wanted to cry.  I tell Larry what is going on as he franticly (from my perspective, calmly from his perspective) tells me to check my accounts and he will check his (because after a long lecture on how I couldn't help every homeless person I see, my wonderful, good hearted husband paid for their food and I had one of his cards in my wallet as well!) Nothing had been withdrawn from any accounts.   

Stephen and I drive back to the homeless hang out. Only one of the men were there, Felix, and he did not speak English well. I decided to leave a note with him to give to his buddy Jacob. Unlikely option, but better than no option. After writing the note and passing along to Felix, Stephen suggested that we just go into Walmart. I knew that I had my wallet after leaving there, but decided to give it a shot.

We head to customer service in Walmart and ask about my teal wallet. The first girl responded by saying, "is dat lyke, grain (green)?" The next lady says, "I think I did see some 'customers' come bring a wallet in." I decided not to get my hopes up, thinking that there was no possible way that it would be mine. 30 seconds (that seemed like a year) later a worker comes out holding my wallet. I began to cry and informed the worker that she was about to get a big ol' bear hug as I simultaneously wrapped my awkward arms around her.

I walked back over to the original employee that said she thought she had seen it and told her the wallet was returned to it's rightful owner. She then informed me that some 'unusual customers' brought it in earlier.  The employee alluded to the fact that the men were homeless.  My guess is that the 'unusual customer' was Jacob.

Every single item was exactly where it belonged in my wallet. It would have been so easy for these men to charge my credit or debit card, but they didn't. They had literally nothing to lose but their morals. In spite of the current situation they are in, they did the right thing. Aside from being ecstatic about getting my wallet back, I was inspired by Jacob & friends and their act of kindness.

Since last Friday I keep checking to see if he is in his hang out so I can thank him, no such luck just yet. I'm sure I'll see him someday soon so I can properly thank him!

 "A kind gesture can 

reach a wound 

that only 

compassion 

can heal."