Today is just one of those days. One of those lovely little days where whatever I do, and wherever I go, I am tripping over myself. I am not typically a negative person, but occasionally, when I get into these rut type of days... I think I get a little carried away with it.
On these negative nancy days when something goes wrong it just seems like I am a snowball at the top of a big hill. I left from home this morning for work after I was supposed to be there already. My allergies are crazy right now... so I'm sporting the specs that fall off of my face all day. My head was pretty much pounding all day. Then of course, dumb dumb dumb things bothered me all day.
When I REALLY REALLY think about it.... none of these things are really that bad. They are so silly. I can suck up a headache and being late, but sometimes... just sometimes, I let this silly shit get the best of me.
By the time I sat down with my WONDERFUL husband (who does a great job of handling these psycho days of mine) to eat a mediocre dinner that I made he showed me some pictures of a couple that had been together for years. The husband lost his arms and legs when he was fighting for our country. I saw several pictures of him on his wife's back as she now carried him where he needed to go. At this point in mine and Larry's dinner I started sobbing and said, verbatim, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" Then I proceeded to get up from the table and go into the bathroom and SOB.
One word... IRRATIONAL! I know I'm irrational. And honestly, I'm irrational every single day of my life... but usually it's in a different way. A better way... I think.
Here this wife is carrying her husband around and I'm crying like a psycho because I was late to work and I had a couple annoying moments in my day. Like... stop.
Anyway, finally I come out of the bathroom and say "sorry I'm a psycho." Then we decided to go to starbucks so I could get some school work done and Larry could read. After going to two different starbucks we finally found seats at the third starbucks we went to. I got a chai tea latte, with whipped cream and caramel on top of the whipped cream. I know that is totally weird. Anyway, I noticed when the barista (baristo???) rang us up he charged 60 cents for the caramel on the top. I open my lid to disgustingly slurp off the whipped cream and caramel, which happens my favorite part of drinking hot drinks, and there is one drop of caramel. SERIOUSLY?
I think on a normal day I wouldn't have wanted to kick this guys teeth in... but today, I needing MY CARAMEL!
Looking back on days like this, I always get disappointed in myself for letting silly things get to me. I'm sure this won't be my last psychotic, irrational, crying baby type of day, but I sincerely hope that as I grow older I will learn to pull it together a little better than I did today (bc I didn't at all today... so I guess that shouldn't be hard).
It really is all about how you look at things. I promise I know this... today, I guess I was just looking at everything through my negativity lens. I hate to live in the future, but TOMORROW IS MINE!
For now, benadryl and bed.
That's all for my rant.
NIGHT. :)
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
.happy thoughts.
When are we going to have kids?
People ask me that all of the time. I absolutely can't wait to have a baby. Like, CAN NOT WAIT! I think about this topic on a regular basis. It's not that I don't think we are ready, I feel like we could handle it, but I guess there are a few things left to do before we are ready to be selfless. Also, I'm a PERFECTIONIST. I want everything to be perfect for my future child. The crazy thing is, I work with kids everyday... I realize that is not possible. I will never have it together enough to claim we are a hundred percent 'ready'. In a way, I feel like you're not actually ready until it happens. It's a learn as you go type of thing. I sincerely feel like all parents do the best that they can... but then again, I live in a fantasy land.
Anyway... I guess I always thought I'd own a house, and a yard (with a creek), and a swing set before I have a child. I totally realize a baby doesn't need a creek and a swing set... or even for their parents to be the owners of where they live. It's silly, really. It all boils down to me not personally being where I want to be when I bring a child into this world. I definitely want to be through with school and have a nice little career underway. Which is potentially only 2 years away. I'd also like to be living in a state that we will be living in for ... well.. potentially forever. (that sounds so long and scary)
There is so much to think about and the type A in me wants to think we will have all of our little ducks in a row before we bring a life into this world. The realist in me knows the truth.
With that being said I will say, I don't think I have ever look forward to something so much. I think about their names and what they'll look like. I wonder out of Lar and I who will be the good cop and who will be the bad cop. I sincerely hope I'm the good cop, but I fear it may have to be the other way around. I hope they'll have freckles like Lar. I hope they'll be a little stubborn like me... or a lot. I wonder if they'll play sports or instruments... or maybe both. I think about Lar coaching their little league teams and me baking treats, with them, for the whole team. I think about how things will be different for our marriage once we have a child, but that I know we can make it perfect for us. I think about teaching them right from wrong and teaching them good habits. Most importantly I hope that he, or she, or they will be kind to themself/themselves and others. I even think as far as the rough days of crying and boo-boos and nothing going the way I'd like for it to go, and envision myself taking a breath and remembering these are the days that I've been dreaming about literally for years.
I think about attending all of their big events. And I think about them getting home from practice or rehearsal and us all eating as a family (I know that one is easier said than done... but this is a dream). I think of them playing outside lots and with electronics not so much. I consider that as they grow up we will fight and sometimes I will be "mean" and they'll "hate me", but I look forward to knowing I am doing what is best for them. I hope that my children will be best friends with each other and know that I'll love them no matter what.
The thought of having a family with the man that I have been in love with since he was a boy is the most happy thought I have ever dared to dream.
So, although I do not have an exact timeline of how this will all play out... I do have ideas and dreams of how our life will be. Until then I will continue to change their names every other week and ask Lar what he thinks of our child's newest name of the moment.
These are my happy thoughts.
Rant=over.
People ask me that all of the time. I absolutely can't wait to have a baby. Like, CAN NOT WAIT! I think about this topic on a regular basis. It's not that I don't think we are ready, I feel like we could handle it, but I guess there are a few things left to do before we are ready to be selfless. Also, I'm a PERFECTIONIST. I want everything to be perfect for my future child. The crazy thing is, I work with kids everyday... I realize that is not possible. I will never have it together enough to claim we are a hundred percent 'ready'. In a way, I feel like you're not actually ready until it happens. It's a learn as you go type of thing. I sincerely feel like all parents do the best that they can... but then again, I live in a fantasy land.
Anyway... I guess I always thought I'd own a house, and a yard (with a creek), and a swing set before I have a child. I totally realize a baby doesn't need a creek and a swing set... or even for their parents to be the owners of where they live. It's silly, really. It all boils down to me not personally being where I want to be when I bring a child into this world. I definitely want to be through with school and have a nice little career underway. Which is potentially only 2 years away. I'd also like to be living in a state that we will be living in for ... well.. potentially forever. (that sounds so long and scary)
There is so much to think about and the type A in me wants to think we will have all of our little ducks in a row before we bring a life into this world. The realist in me knows the truth.
With that being said I will say, I don't think I have ever look forward to something so much. I think about their names and what they'll look like. I wonder out of Lar and I who will be the good cop and who will be the bad cop. I sincerely hope I'm the good cop, but I fear it may have to be the other way around. I hope they'll have freckles like Lar. I hope they'll be a little stubborn like me... or a lot. I wonder if they'll play sports or instruments... or maybe both. I think about Lar coaching their little league teams and me baking treats, with them, for the whole team. I think about how things will be different for our marriage once we have a child, but that I know we can make it perfect for us. I think about teaching them right from wrong and teaching them good habits. Most importantly I hope that he, or she, or they will be kind to themself/themselves and others. I even think as far as the rough days of crying and boo-boos and nothing going the way I'd like for it to go, and envision myself taking a breath and remembering these are the days that I've been dreaming about literally for years.
I think about attending all of their big events. And I think about them getting home from practice or rehearsal and us all eating as a family (I know that one is easier said than done... but this is a dream). I think of them playing outside lots and with electronics not so much. I consider that as they grow up we will fight and sometimes I will be "mean" and they'll "hate me", but I look forward to knowing I am doing what is best for them. I hope that my children will be best friends with each other and know that I'll love them no matter what.
The thought of having a family with the man that I have been in love with since he was a boy is the most happy thought I have ever dared to dream.
So, although I do not have an exact timeline of how this will all play out... I do have ideas and dreams of how our life will be. Until then I will continue to change their names every other week and ask Lar what he thinks of our child's newest name of the moment.
These are my happy thoughts.
Rant=over.
Us... just thinking about our future baby.
(or hating the movie we were watching...)
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